i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
i think i just lost a toe
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
