i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
