you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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