She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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