Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just invented taco cereal.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
