Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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