Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
