Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
