Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
What did we do last night that was yellow?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
