I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
