she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
birth control should be required to get into college
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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