Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
