sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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