i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
