my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
