Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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