I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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