oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
