gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
