I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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