It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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