The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
