how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
