we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
