It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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