I can tuck mytits in my pants
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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