trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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