He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
