i think my tv is drunk
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
