billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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