A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
