you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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