Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
