every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
is it fun? or sober?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
