She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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