I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
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