i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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