dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
