My liver just broke up with me...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is it because I queefed?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
