i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
