After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
