were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
