you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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