and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
