grandma shit on top of the toilet
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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