is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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