don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
