Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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