Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
