Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This is my gift to your gina
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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