I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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