Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
