Your face is a jimmy john
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
